Have you ever???

Have you ever felt that things just dont seem to be meant for you. Even when those things are things that you know should happen but dont? Maybe to get that thing i have to focus more on God. But i do fear what would happen if i didnt focus on that thing. And that thing comes into my mind everyday but i cant do anything about it because it takes more than just me wanting it. Frustrated i am and of course confused. I want to shout out what i want to but i cant because it wouldnt be fair or right. Maybe i'm meant to have this confusion my whole life. It's definetly followed me so far and has become familar. Would i be lost without it?
Most days i wish all these feelings that are scrambled in my heart would just leave. But where would i be without them? They havent led me to many good places and so would that be horrible if i did my best just to shut them off? I know that what i am feeling i am not alone in. Even though no know really what i mean by this i do think many have gone through this. It's undeniable that we've searched and searched to an extent that made us feel like a failure or just unwanted.
Now i dont want any advice or sympathy given to me because its never done me good. Im not saying that the advice is bad or anything its just hasnt set me in the right direction or i've not taken it into deeper considerstion. anyways i will stop diggin myself into a hole. This is just an all out rant. A random one but those ones are the best...in my books anyways. But alas it is growing into the wee hours of the morning. I must go to dream of what i wish to happen...or whatever comes into my mind while i sleep. Good luck to those who are feeling like i am and keep your head up. I sure will for God.