Venting

Ok so i am to the point where i would move out wit almost anyone just to get away from my parents. well mainly my mom. today i just hung out at home and watched friends and a bit of the internet. which is somethin i havent done in a while and my mom doesnt like when i do this. It for unknown reasons that she get mad at me. so now i will be walkin to work tomorrow b/c one my mom wont drive me and two the stupid bus routes dont go from where i am to where i need to be. i might as well move out to lawson and take a hour bus ride to get to work. At least then i would be able to do what i want without someone on my case about the way i spend my time. I feel like crap bein here but right now theres nothin i can do. i havent found anyone i want or can trust to move out with and i wont be able to afford livin on my own. well maybe im overdramatic about that. i would just have to work at least 30 hours a week to pay rent and then the rest of my money would be to food and other things i need around the house. so then i would be broke when it came to doin things that are fun. i'm not rly happy wit my job. Being a cashier is not in the least bit fun. I'd rather do stock but the owner wants to get me pro on cash first. I'd even rather have ashley's cleanin job. but that alone wont pay rent so i rly feel like i'm drownin in sorrow. I feel like im goin backwards to last year's summer. A time that i thought i had overcome. but of course my past comes and bites me in the ars. i know that i am stupidly complaining but this is my way of ventin when i dont want to bring my problems onto others. I want to find a solution but i dont know anymore. I'm tryin also to get over somethin/someone and so that has brought me downn even more because i dont want to get over it but thats the only things i can think of to do. its soo difficult and i feel stupid b/c rly i shouldnt be feelin the way i am. i'm runnin dry on hope for happiness.
This time of not havin work has been awesome. but i dont feel like i've achieved the closure i had wanted once i quit my last job. i need relief and the only time i feel that is when im at lawson pentecostal. but i cant be there all the time. that is only a dream of mine. i want to go to CPC so tthat i could have the chance of bein hired to be a youth pastor. but how do i tell my mom. how do i now if i would be ready to take on this work. i mean i barely know much about the bible and i have a hard time stayin focused on things but i feel if i could have a career that was with the church i would be happy. i like bein there for people, havin God a big part of my life and i see how big of difference there is between christains and non-believers. i want to be surrounded by christains at my work b/c i hate to see the way people take the Lord's name in vain and curse continuously. It rly brings me down. I want my enviroment to affect me in a positive way.

All i have left to say is that i need a long hug, just someone who could stay in silence and just be there for me. For a couple minutes where nothing else could bother me...

Update on my life

Well i haven't blogged in a while so i thought i would update everyone with whats goin on with me. Last weekend i went on a missions trip which was awesome and my second time. Although drivin there was a bit painful when we stop in a small town by Regina. This summer my auntie died of unknown reasons (they're still trying to figure that out). Anyways, she had asked me while i was in Calgary if i would spend a couple weeks with her to help her out b/c she wasnt feeling well. I made the arrangements and i was goin to fly to regina and take her back to Estevan to look after her. But as the time came for me to go her illness quickly took over her. So the plans changed. I was to fly to Regina and then drive her to Saskatoon for better treatment. She was in the worst condition i have every seen a family member in. I kept thinkin how could this be when i last talked to her she was herself and wantin to do things when i got there. She knew her time was coming, she could sense it. So i drove her to Saskatoon and took her to my auntie and uncle's house. The trip took a lot of her. She was goin to nap so there was nothin i could do. But the point to this was when i saw this place that she asked if i wanted to stop to get somethin for me to eat, i just couldnt help think how much i missed her. I dont think anyone saw me cry b/c they were gettin snacks but it was best that way b/c i wouldnt have been able to stop crying to explain myself. Plus i would have drawn unnecessary attention to myself. But i tried to sleep for the rest of the way. The rest of the weekend was awesome! We met awesome kids that myself and many others just had the sudden erge to take home. And the people we stayed with were extremely nice and a accomedating. As well as hilarious...Mir Dog! I learnt about Jacko, Travis and Leah's relationships with God; and how to play the guitar! Well a couple cords but i might be borrowin aguitar so that Brittney can teach me more...lol if i ever see her out of youth events. But the rest of the weekend went swell..well at least for me.
Umm well next i was called for an interview for a job at the dollar store. I was hired on the spot and i had my first day of training today. It was ok i was sooo glad that i have experience in cashier otherwixe i wouldv'e been very very overwhlemed today. It was super busy and kept me ony my feet for four hours straight, which was better than i thought i would be. I was dreading going back to work but it looks like it might be ok. I went to school withone of the girls there and anyother one goes to hardy. They're both nice people but they can swear a lot and when customers are right there but one more than the other. I want to say something but then again i dont if it will make my work time uncomfortable. But i will give it time and ask God to guide me through it all.
On a happier note i had an awesome weekend wit my friend Jacko. We stayed at Ashley's parents' house with her cute but sometimes annoyin dogs. Friday night I had tons and tons of fun bowling with youth. Crazy ways of bowlin we thought of and to make it sweeter (my made up word) i was glowin lol as was everyone else. so then after jacko and i went to get her stuff and we headed back to the house to watcha bit of Gone with the Wind. The next morning i had an interview and Jacko had soccer practice. Or so she was told but then she found out it wasnt til 5 so then that bummed us out cuz she was goin to join my cousin and me at the movies to see Happy Feet. So i when jacko got home i found out that it was again cancelled. so while we ate we watched Casanova with th gorgeous Heath Ledger. then we had the pleasure of cleaninpraxair on minor ave. NOT! it was disgusting! Sooo much dust i looked like they vaccumed and then through it all over the place. Anyways we finished it and then came the door that wouldnt lock. Lol, we phoned Travis he attempted to help us over the phone and offered to some over but we phoned the security instead. They ened up contacting Dave;) Dave then told us that we needed to push on the middle of the dooor and then it should lock. And to our amazement it did. lol. Oh that Dave hahaha. So then gettin back home jacko did homework and then we made snackage and attempted to watch the rest of Gone with the Wind, which we are yet to finish lol. But i had a great weekend wit Jacko and made some really intereating and funny memories/inside jokes. We now have an anthem and Jacko made a beautiful song just for me and about me! lol amazing this girl is and i hope to be spendin a whole lot more time with her!
Well thats it for me today i'm goin to eat and watch some tv and then header off to bed and i tend to sleep in tomorrow lol for once in about 4 days. Lol.