Venting

Ok so i am to the point where i would move out wit almost anyone just to get away from my parents. well mainly my mom. today i just hung out at home and watched friends and a bit of the internet. which is somethin i havent done in a while and my mom doesnt like when i do this. It for unknown reasons that she get mad at me. so now i will be walkin to work tomorrow b/c one my mom wont drive me and two the stupid bus routes dont go from where i am to where i need to be. i might as well move out to lawson and take a hour bus ride to get to work. At least then i would be able to do what i want without someone on my case about the way i spend my time. I feel like crap bein here but right now theres nothin i can do. i havent found anyone i want or can trust to move out with and i wont be able to afford livin on my own. well maybe im overdramatic about that. i would just have to work at least 30 hours a week to pay rent and then the rest of my money would be to food and other things i need around the house. so then i would be broke when it came to doin things that are fun. i'm not rly happy wit my job. Being a cashier is not in the least bit fun. I'd rather do stock but the owner wants to get me pro on cash first. I'd even rather have ashley's cleanin job. but that alone wont pay rent so i rly feel like i'm drownin in sorrow. I feel like im goin backwards to last year's summer. A time that i thought i had overcome. but of course my past comes and bites me in the ars. i know that i am stupidly complaining but this is my way of ventin when i dont want to bring my problems onto others. I want to find a solution but i dont know anymore. I'm tryin also to get over somethin/someone and so that has brought me downn even more because i dont want to get over it but thats the only things i can think of to do. its soo difficult and i feel stupid b/c rly i shouldnt be feelin the way i am. i'm runnin dry on hope for happiness.
This time of not havin work has been awesome. but i dont feel like i've achieved the closure i had wanted once i quit my last job. i need relief and the only time i feel that is when im at lawson pentecostal. but i cant be there all the time. that is only a dream of mine. i want to go to CPC so tthat i could have the chance of bein hired to be a youth pastor. but how do i tell my mom. how do i now if i would be ready to take on this work. i mean i barely know much about the bible and i have a hard time stayin focused on things but i feel if i could have a career that was with the church i would be happy. i like bein there for people, havin God a big part of my life and i see how big of difference there is between christains and non-believers. i want to be surrounded by christains at my work b/c i hate to see the way people take the Lord's name in vain and curse continuously. It rly brings me down. I want my enviroment to affect me in a positive way.

All i have left to say is that i need a long hug, just someone who could stay in silence and just be there for me. For a couple minutes where nothing else could bother me...