Messed Up Emotions

So sure i thought i was
So unsure i really was
The way i thought things would go
The way they fell apart

Happiness was all i felt
the moment your eyes laid upon me
So many emotions drawn out of them
So few that were exposed

A desire to connect
A desire to know more
A desire to be something more.

Now failure is all i feel
Stupidity is all i know
My lack of knowledge drags me down
down to the very cold floor.

Believing in something that wasn't there
Confusing days to come
What i feel no longer matters
To you I'm just another...

Another person to have come and gone
Not another glance will i see like the way i did before.
Believed that this would be the one
To bring out who i am.
Confused and lost more than i thought i could be
many days before

Making no sense to others,
None to myself
Feeling that all i need something more.
Knowing that is not the case
Hating what i know.
Discomfort is how i feel
Of what is to come,
Much is unknown.

These emotions are running
Gut wrenching sometimes
In desperate need of reassurance.

A glimpse of hope is what i need,
To find that one day,
In hope of being nothing more than purely exposed.

Have you ever???

Have you ever felt that things just dont seem to be meant for you. Even when those things are things that you know should happen but dont? Maybe to get that thing i have to focus more on God. But i do fear what would happen if i didnt focus on that thing. And that thing comes into my mind everyday but i cant do anything about it because it takes more than just me wanting it. Frustrated i am and of course confused. I want to shout out what i want to but i cant because it wouldnt be fair or right. Maybe i'm meant to have this confusion my whole life. It's definetly followed me so far and has become familar. Would i be lost without it?
Most days i wish all these feelings that are scrambled in my heart would just leave. But where would i be without them? They havent led me to many good places and so would that be horrible if i did my best just to shut them off? I know that what i am feeling i am not alone in. Even though no know really what i mean by this i do think many have gone through this. It's undeniable that we've searched and searched to an extent that made us feel like a failure or just unwanted.
Now i dont want any advice or sympathy given to me because its never done me good. Im not saying that the advice is bad or anything its just hasnt set me in the right direction or i've not taken it into deeper considerstion. anyways i will stop diggin myself into a hole. This is just an all out rant. A random one but those ones are the best...in my books anyways. But alas it is growing into the wee hours of the morning. I must go to dream of what i wish to happen...or whatever comes into my mind while i sleep. Good luck to those who are feeling like i am and keep your head up. I sure will for God.

.....

I have just moved in to a trailer with my sister...yes a trailer. I thank God that she made the decision to leave her boyfriend and that i could help her out. I am proud of her for finally listening to her family. Not only have her decisions affected her but me as well...more than she knows. But to what extent should i help her out when she doesnt seem to respect a simple request? She has made a big step in her life but in some way i think shes falling backwards. She doesnt seem to think that she can make it on her own. There alway seems to be a guy. But my opinion of taking a break from guys doesnt seem to appeal to her. I want her to come to know God, to have a relationship with him like i do! I think he could help her rebuild herself but to her church isnt "her thing". i am gunna be invitin her to church this weekend, but to be honest i dont think she will come but i ask her once a month until she comes. I know that if i can get her there one time God will speak in her heart! So pray that one day she will come to church. She doesnt realize how its changed me and that sucks. She just sees me a a goody good. Even though she knows the things i've done wouldnt she wonder why i've decided to change my ways? Maybe that hasnt even crossed her mind or maybe she hasnt even thought about how i've made sacrifices for her. Couldnt she work up the courage to do somethin for me. Now i know i seem selfish in that way but she's not one to do nice things for me. When she does choose to do somethin for me that will blow me away. I think in some way she left her boyfriend for me. She knew how i felt about him and his problems that lead her to do the things she did. I dont know what to do anymore except pray. Stubborn she is to listening and stubborn i will be to getting her to listen!

The Holidays

Christmas this time around i came to look at it differently. Before i just thought of it as good times with my family. A time of giving and receiving. But because I have become deeper in my faith i look at it in a new light. I mean because of this day I am saved and loved no matter what! It really hit me how much I need Him, how much everyone should have Him be a big part in their life.

Forever God is Faithful
Forever God is strong
Forever God is with us
Forever!

Another thing I realized is that no matter how my relationship with my Dad is that I will always have a father that i can count on. A father that doesnt judge me and forgives me at the times i feel the worst about what i have done. Thats somethin i have a hard time understanding. A few months ago i had the worst 2 weeks of my life. And because of what happened i havent been able to forgive someone. This person brings the worst out in me when i think about them. I know i should forgive them but how can i after what has happened? I never thought that this person would be have been and is capiable(sp) of what they did. It has not only affect me but another person who i deeply care about. Forgiveness is the last thing on my mind when it comes to this person. This person is an atheist. I just want to get this person out of my life and the life of my sister. But i cannot make this a reality. It's just a hope of mine. Maybe that isnt the Christian way but why do i have to forgive this person that has damaged so much? Maybe later on in life i will forgive this person but i cant right now at least.

Venting

Ok so i am to the point where i would move out wit almost anyone just to get away from my parents. well mainly my mom. today i just hung out at home and watched friends and a bit of the internet. which is somethin i havent done in a while and my mom doesnt like when i do this. It for unknown reasons that she get mad at me. so now i will be walkin to work tomorrow b/c one my mom wont drive me and two the stupid bus routes dont go from where i am to where i need to be. i might as well move out to lawson and take a hour bus ride to get to work. At least then i would be able to do what i want without someone on my case about the way i spend my time. I feel like crap bein here but right now theres nothin i can do. i havent found anyone i want or can trust to move out with and i wont be able to afford livin on my own. well maybe im overdramatic about that. i would just have to work at least 30 hours a week to pay rent and then the rest of my money would be to food and other things i need around the house. so then i would be broke when it came to doin things that are fun. i'm not rly happy wit my job. Being a cashier is not in the least bit fun. I'd rather do stock but the owner wants to get me pro on cash first. I'd even rather have ashley's cleanin job. but that alone wont pay rent so i rly feel like i'm drownin in sorrow. I feel like im goin backwards to last year's summer. A time that i thought i had overcome. but of course my past comes and bites me in the ars. i know that i am stupidly complaining but this is my way of ventin when i dont want to bring my problems onto others. I want to find a solution but i dont know anymore. I'm tryin also to get over somethin/someone and so that has brought me downn even more because i dont want to get over it but thats the only things i can think of to do. its soo difficult and i feel stupid b/c rly i shouldnt be feelin the way i am. i'm runnin dry on hope for happiness.
This time of not havin work has been awesome. but i dont feel like i've achieved the closure i had wanted once i quit my last job. i need relief and the only time i feel that is when im at lawson pentecostal. but i cant be there all the time. that is only a dream of mine. i want to go to CPC so tthat i could have the chance of bein hired to be a youth pastor. but how do i tell my mom. how do i now if i would be ready to take on this work. i mean i barely know much about the bible and i have a hard time stayin focused on things but i feel if i could have a career that was with the church i would be happy. i like bein there for people, havin God a big part of my life and i see how big of difference there is between christains and non-believers. i want to be surrounded by christains at my work b/c i hate to see the way people take the Lord's name in vain and curse continuously. It rly brings me down. I want my enviroment to affect me in a positive way.

All i have left to say is that i need a long hug, just someone who could stay in silence and just be there for me. For a couple minutes where nothing else could bother me...

Update on my life

Well i haven't blogged in a while so i thought i would update everyone with whats goin on with me. Last weekend i went on a missions trip which was awesome and my second time. Although drivin there was a bit painful when we stop in a small town by Regina. This summer my auntie died of unknown reasons (they're still trying to figure that out). Anyways, she had asked me while i was in Calgary if i would spend a couple weeks with her to help her out b/c she wasnt feeling well. I made the arrangements and i was goin to fly to regina and take her back to Estevan to look after her. But as the time came for me to go her illness quickly took over her. So the plans changed. I was to fly to Regina and then drive her to Saskatoon for better treatment. She was in the worst condition i have every seen a family member in. I kept thinkin how could this be when i last talked to her she was herself and wantin to do things when i got there. She knew her time was coming, she could sense it. So i drove her to Saskatoon and took her to my auntie and uncle's house. The trip took a lot of her. She was goin to nap so there was nothin i could do. But the point to this was when i saw this place that she asked if i wanted to stop to get somethin for me to eat, i just couldnt help think how much i missed her. I dont think anyone saw me cry b/c they were gettin snacks but it was best that way b/c i wouldnt have been able to stop crying to explain myself. Plus i would have drawn unnecessary attention to myself. But i tried to sleep for the rest of the way. The rest of the weekend was awesome! We met awesome kids that myself and many others just had the sudden erge to take home. And the people we stayed with were extremely nice and a accomedating. As well as hilarious...Mir Dog! I learnt about Jacko, Travis and Leah's relationships with God; and how to play the guitar! Well a couple cords but i might be borrowin aguitar so that Brittney can teach me more...lol if i ever see her out of youth events. But the rest of the weekend went swell..well at least for me.
Umm well next i was called for an interview for a job at the dollar store. I was hired on the spot and i had my first day of training today. It was ok i was sooo glad that i have experience in cashier otherwixe i wouldv'e been very very overwhlemed today. It was super busy and kept me ony my feet for four hours straight, which was better than i thought i would be. I was dreading going back to work but it looks like it might be ok. I went to school withone of the girls there and anyother one goes to hardy. They're both nice people but they can swear a lot and when customers are right there but one more than the other. I want to say something but then again i dont if it will make my work time uncomfortable. But i will give it time and ask God to guide me through it all.
On a happier note i had an awesome weekend wit my friend Jacko. We stayed at Ashley's parents' house with her cute but sometimes annoyin dogs. Friday night I had tons and tons of fun bowling with youth. Crazy ways of bowlin we thought of and to make it sweeter (my made up word) i was glowin lol as was everyone else. so then after jacko and i went to get her stuff and we headed back to the house to watcha bit of Gone with the Wind. The next morning i had an interview and Jacko had soccer practice. Or so she was told but then she found out it wasnt til 5 so then that bummed us out cuz she was goin to join my cousin and me at the movies to see Happy Feet. So i when jacko got home i found out that it was again cancelled. so while we ate we watched Casanova with th gorgeous Heath Ledger. then we had the pleasure of cleaninpraxair on minor ave. NOT! it was disgusting! Sooo much dust i looked like they vaccumed and then through it all over the place. Anyways we finished it and then came the door that wouldnt lock. Lol, we phoned Travis he attempted to help us over the phone and offered to some over but we phoned the security instead. They ened up contacting Dave;) Dave then told us that we needed to push on the middle of the dooor and then it should lock. And to our amazement it did. lol. Oh that Dave hahaha. So then gettin back home jacko did homework and then we made snackage and attempted to watch the rest of Gone with the Wind, which we are yet to finish lol. But i had a great weekend wit Jacko and made some really intereating and funny memories/inside jokes. We now have an anthem and Jacko made a beautiful song just for me and about me! lol amazing this girl is and i hope to be spendin a whole lot more time with her!
Well thats it for me today i'm goin to eat and watch some tv and then header off to bed and i tend to sleep in tomorrow lol for once in about 4 days. Lol.

I've Made Up My Mind...Or So I Thought

Ok for the last week or probably more i've been having trouble figuring out what God wants me to do. The problem was he was telling me what i should do it just wasnt the answer i wanted to hear. But last night i went to him and he told me the same thing. I became fully aware that i wasnt bein faithful to the God that has been incredible to me and felt so bad i just started to worship him. I've been so far away from God and i didnt even realize it, well to some extent. Pastor Jordan's class was perfect for me. I've been luke warm and not hot like i should be. I find it to be hard bein a Christian, but it's truly worth every hardship i go through...ok so what i typed before i saved as a draft. I feel soo confused, i had made up my mind that what God was saying to me was what i was goin to do and i told God that i was. But now i feel i'm bein told to go with the feelin i had before, but im not sure if its God telling me or just me not wanting to let go and trust God. Last night i had, what i thought, let go of the feelings, but of course i was wrong. Sometimes i really wonder why God made me the way i am because i can never really figure how i feel and i feel stupid. I feel i should be able to know how i feel. I am 18 but the years and the things i have gone throug havent seem to help figure what is goin on inside me. Then i start to feel that when i do have confidence i screw things up for others. A island to myself to be alone and not be confused and screwing things up sounds mighty great to me. I know i'm bein stupid but i am bein very honest with whoever care to read my blog. Honest is the best thing a person can offer to another, well thats at least what i think right now...

Weird Morning!?!?!?!?

So this morning i had was really weird. I had woken up at 10 and decided to go back to bed. When i did so i had a dream. I only remember the last bit of it, but it went like this: Ashley, someother people (who i dont know who they were), and myself were playing baseball and Ashley was the pitch. A very good one i might add...lol. And then i was goin up to bat and i dont remember what happened in between that time and the tie i got the backseat of a truck. But i had severe back pains and i was screaming and crying (in the dream). I wokr up in the middle and i was lying on my stomache and i couldnt move! My back was in sooo much pain, in the same place as in the dream. My right should was also in a lot of pain and in my dream ashley hd been pitching with her right hand! I strated freaking out and calling for my mom but i could hear that she was outside shovelling the deck. Aftera minute or two the phone rang and my mom came inside to get it, so i started yelling, by this time i was in panic and crying uncontrolable. Now my mom didnt think much of it first because she was on the phone and i wsnt very loud. The person on the phone asked my mom if someone was in disstress and she said "oh its just tiffany"...lol. but after about 5- 10 mins she came downstair and realized what was going on. She had to help my move onto my back and help me to my feet. I went upstairs and then my mom's friend sallie came over. Her husband is a chiroprator(SP). Sallie phoned her husband's office but he wasnt in. I couldnt lift my arm very high but enough to do half the things i wanted to lol. I was hungry and so my mom, sallie and myself went to a restaurant by his office and by the time we were done he is was back. I went in and he did some pain adjustments to me and by the time we were through my shoulder felt much better and not so restricted. Although it wasnt the best visit because i found out that i have problems in my back, neck, shoulders and my alignment of my feet. I get the joy of going back tomorrow. But the rest of my day was much better. altough the snow sucked and i got stuck in it when i attempted to drive into the church parkin lot for loft today...but Travis was there to help and some random guy. Then i came home and had supper while watching Lost and Criminal Minds...some of the great shows on t.v. So that was my messed up day! Hope everyone else didnt break their backs tryin to get cars out of the snow:P

To what Point?

To what point should i wait? personaly i think i should just try my best to move on. It would be difficult but maybe the right thing to do? Right now i just dont feel like myself. Out of place. Have I ever really been honest with myself? For a while in high school i felt that i was fake to the people around me. Definetly because of peer pressure. I've done things that i never want to do again. I regret not making the right decisions. Being lost in the world of conforming. I am glad those things didnt ruin my life. In the past year i thought i had been finding myself. Being able to figure out my true feelings, but to what extent can I truly know how i feel? I feel sooo lost in this head. I can't seem to find the confidence i think i need. So really to what point should to hold on to something that may never be or maybe it shouldn't be?

New Career Direction??

Ok so I've been thinking about what i could have as a career. This might be a bit odd but I've really been thinking about something with the Church. I dont know what exactly because i dont think i would be able to stand up in front of a crowd and preach. But its really hit me that whenever i'm doin something with the church it makes me incredibly happy. That feeling hasnt faded and i could always have photography as a hobbie, something that i could possible make some money from that. I wouldnt know how to tell my mom that i want to because i dont think she would ever really understand how amazing it is to have a relationship with God. Although i dont think i would be ready to go to CPC just yet. I would want to have more knowledge of the bible and a closer relationship with God. But thats all i can blab out for now anyways. Let me know if u have any ideas for what i can do at the church.